Warrior Poet Prose

a play for children

Prelude: This is the story of a Tragedy averted. Mouldilocks, a greedy developer, has built a Restaurant-Hotel-Parking lot and concessionaire combination in prime Grizzly Bear Habitat in Yellowstone. Called “Grant Village”, this steel, glass, cement and gasoline intrusion becomes the Stage for our opening scene.

 

Act I

Scene: The parking lot

 

Mouldilocks: “Ah, what a beautiful sight! I can almost hear the quarters dropping into the slots in the video games. The snack bar must be doing great business—the lot is littered with Twinkie wrappers. That reminds me—I’ve got to order another two gross of Twinkies. And two gross of Hostess Cupcakes. And two gross…”

 

(Just then, the 3 Bears amble or stroll up.)

 

1^st Bear: “Hey, what’s this? I thought I left a nice little trout stream here.”

 

2^nd Bear: “Me too! Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?”

 

3^rd Bear: “If it’s a joke, it’s in poor taste.”

 

1^st Bear: “Hey, isn’t that a human over there? This looks suspiciously like human’s work to me.”

 

Mouldilocks: “And two gross pink Hostess Snowballs. And two gross…”

 

3^rd Bear: “Hey! Let’s ask him. Pardon me, sir.”

 

Mouldilocks: “And two gross… What? Hey, bears can’t talk!”

 

3^rd Bear: “I beg your pardon.”

 

1^st Bear: “I think we’ve been quite eloquent.”

 

2^nd Bear: “Right on!”

 

Mouldilocks: “At least, I never knew any to.”

 

3^rd Bear: “That’s because we never cared to.”

 

2^nd Bear: “Right on!”

 

1^st Bear: “That’s such a cliché.”

 

2^nd Bear: “But appropriate.”

 

3^rd Bear: “Anyway, would you mind telling us where our trout stream is?”

 

1^st Bear: “Such a nice trout stream.”

 

2^nd Bear: “And so full of nice, fat trout!”

 

1^st Bear: “You didn’t say Right on! that time.”

 

2^nd Bear: “Didn’t need to. It’d already been said.”

 

1^st Bear: “Anyway…didn’t you hear us? Perhaps if I spoke up a little.” (raises voice) “SO WHERE’S OUR TROUT STREAM?”

 

Mouldilocks (standing “his” ground): “Trout stream? Was there a trout stream here?”

 

3^rd Bear: “Sure was.”

 

2^nd Bear: “Uh-huh.”

 

Mouldilocks: “Well, I don’t know about trout STREAMS, but you can get a nice trout dinner right in the Grant Village Restaurant. Fried. Real Tasty. Comes with a small salad and a beverage of your choice.”

 

3^rd Bear: “What’s a beverage?”

 

2^nd Bear: “Don’t listen to him. He’s putting us on.”

 

1^st Bear: “We demand our rights!”

 

Mouldilocks: “Rights? Bears don’t have any rights—it says so right here in the Wilderness Act.” (whips out paper)

 

3^rd Bear: “Is that true?”

 

Mouldilocks: “Read for yourself.”

 

(3^rd Bear grabs paper and reads. Then she begins shaking her brown, hairy head.)

 

3^rd Bear: “It’s true! I don’t believe it!”

 

2^nd Bear (hind leg impatiently pawing dust): “I wouldn’t believe anything I got from that man.”

 

1^st Bear: “He’s right!”

 

2^nd Bear: “Who, him?”

 

1^st Bear: “No, you are.”

 

3^rd Bear (interrupting) : “But it’s true! It says so right here: THE WILDERNESS ACT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Bears don’t have any rights.”

 

1^st Bear: “In those exact words?”

 

3^rd Bear: “Well, it’s a paraphrase.”

 

2^nd Bear: “I don’t believe in the United States of America anyway. The United States of the Wilderness is the country I belong to.”

 

1^st Bear: “Hear hear.”

 

2^nd Bear: “You didn’t say right on.”

 

1^st Bear: “Right on.”

 

3^rd Bear: “Come on guys, this is serious. Say, what’s-your-name…”

 

Mouldilocks: “The name is Mouldilocks.”

 

3^rd Bear: “Mr. Mouldilocks—would you excuse us a minute?”

 

Mouldilocks: “I’d excuse you a year if you wanted it.”

 

3^rd Bear: “No thanks. A minute will do.”

(walking a little way off)

 

2^nd Bear: “What chutzpah!”

 

1^st Bear: “I don’t like that guy.”

 

3^rd Bear: “This is serious, guys. We’ve got to plan something.”

 

1^st Bear: “But what?”

 

2^nd Bear: “You should know. You’re our spokesman.”

 

1^st Bear: “Bears don’t have spokesmen.”

 

2^nd Bear: “I’ll be spokesman, then. As long as lack of experience is no objection.”

 

3^rd Bear: “But what’ll we do? Really.”

 

2^nd Bear: “I’ll think of something.”

(strolls over to Mouldilocks)

 

2^nd Bear: “Pardon me sir—we’d like some information. When did this—thing—go up?”

 

Mouldilocks: “Just about a year and a half ago. I remember the day. Why, groundbreaking was just 6 months earlier. The bulldozers all worked like beavers—“

 

3^rd Bear: “Beavers?”

 

Mouldilocks: “Figuratively speaking.—And it went up in 6 months.”

 

2^nd Bear: “I told you we should check our habitat more often. Look what happened to Fishing Bridge.”

 

Mouldilocks: “What’s that about Fishing Bridge?”

 

2^nd Bear: “Prime Griz habitat. Now there’s an RV park there.”

 

Mouldilocks: “Ah, yes. Not very profitable, RV parks. THIS is more profitable.” (waves his hand)

 

2^nd Bear (disgusted): “So I see. But, pray tell, what have you to do with it?”

 

Mouldilocks (a note of pride in his voice): “I own it!”

 

3 Bears (incredulously): “Own it?”

 

Mouldilocks (continuing): “Yes, I own it. Every money-making, food-frying, gas-selling, room-renting, TV-blaring, video-gaming inch of it! It’s the most profitable thing I’ve ever built. I figure I’ll make back my expenditures in 3 years and after that it’s pure gravy—well, just a little under the table to the Park Service, now and then.”

 

3^rd Bear: “I’m horrified!”

 

1^st Bear: “Me too.”

 

2^nd Bear: “You should be ashamed!”

 

Mouldilocks: “Wha.. what? Ashamed? Of this noble enterprise? This—convenience—for the public tourist? The weary citizen who wants to enjoy his National Park in the style to which he is accustomed?”

 

2^nd Bear: “But what about us bears?”

 

Mouldilocks: “What bears? Oh, you… Well, let me tell you—bears are part of the Experience.”

 

2^nd Bear: “We’re an Experience, now.”

 

1^st Bear: “I told you. It isn’t easy being a spokesbear.”

 

2^nd Bear: “It’s a thankless task.”

 

Mouldilocks: “I mean, if you would go away we’d miss you.”

 

2^nd Bear: “But not by much.”

 

Mouldilocks: “We’d all be sorrier.”

 

2^nd Bear: “I’ll bet.”

 

Mouldilocks: “But that’s business.”

 

3^rd Bear (to 2^nd Bear): “I told you he was a pig.”

 

2^nd Bear: “Not in those words.”

 

3^rd Bear: “In other words, then.”

 

2^nd Bear (to Mouldilocks): “But you’re supposed to have bears… what am I saying?”

 

1^st Bear: “That’s right—what are you saying?”

 

3^rd Bear (to 2^nd Bear): “Now you’ve done it.”

 

2^nd Bear (to 3^rd Bear): “Maybe not.”

(to Mouldilocks): “What I mean is, bears have always lived in Yellowstone. You’re the newcomers.”

 

3^rd Bear: “Tourists!”

 

1^st Bear: “Pigs!”

 

Mouldilocks: “Let’s not get nasty. I have a perfect right to be here.”

 

2^nd Bear: “Perfect isn’t the word for it.”

 

Mouldilocks: “I have permission from the Park Service.”

 

3 Bears: “What???”

 

Mouldilocks: “And from the U.S. Government.” (whips out paper. reads):

“‘Be it hereby resolved, Tenant (known as Mouldilocks) shall have the standard 99 year lease granted in such places in accordance with our laws and the highest ideals of the ownership of private property. He is hereby granted the right to exercise the usual powers of dominion, not withstanding this is a National Park, and to exclude or refuse service to anyone.’ That includes bears.”

 

3^rd Bear: “How awful!”

 

1^st Bear: “We’ll fight!”

 

2^nd Bear: “You’ll be hearing from our lawyer!”

(exit)

 

Mouldilocks: “What fools these ursines be!”

(also exits)

 

ACT II

 

Scene: The woods

 

3^rd Bear: “What a stinker!”

 

2^nd Bear: “I agree.”

 

1^st Bear: “But what do we do?”

 

2^nd Bear: “Well, we haven’t any lawyer—that’s for sure.”

 

1^st Bear: “I’m not even sure we have standing in the courts.”

 

3^rd Bear: “Standing? What’s Standing?”

 

2^nd Bear: “It means you can sue. And we can’t.”

 

3^rd Bear: “Oh.”

 

2^nd Bear: “But that doesn’t mean we give up.”

 

1^st Bear: “I’m glad you said that.”

 

2^nd Bear: “Had to. It’s my job.”

 

3^rd Bear: “What job?”

 

2^nd Bear: “Facilitator. Spokesbear. You name it.”

 

3^rd Bear: “How about lunchfinder?”

1^st Bear: “How about honeygrubber?”

 

3^rd Bear: “How about it?”

 

2^nd Bear: “Well, since you put it that way… Race you to the old dead tree!”

(all race off)

 

(Mouldilocks wanders on stage, singing)

 

Mouldilocks: “Hi ho, hi ho—it’s to the woods I go. I absolutely don’t belong, but hi, hi ho.”

(speaks) “What a wonderful afternoon. Those bears were beginning to rain on my parade. Luckily I got rid of them.”

(Hears a rustle in the bushes.)

“Whoops! what’s that? Oh, just a squirrel—gave me quite a start. Well, where was I? Ah, yes—money money money. Today’s the start of the tourist season, and already 500 Winnebagos have rolled in and out of Grant Village. 500 Winnebagos discharged their beer-gut carrying, insensitive macho males, their overly madeup, overly dressed bored females, and their screaming, candy bar- and sodapop-buying kids. I love it!”

(Another rustle. This time the 3 bears appear.)

“Uh!”

 

3 Bears: “Uh!”

 

Mouldilocks: “Oh—it’s you.”

 

2^nd Bear: “I was about to say the same thing.”

 

3^rd Bear: “What a bring-down.”

 

2^nd Bear: “You can say that again.”

 

3^rd Bear: “I would, but that’s your job.”

 

2^nd Bear: “Right.” (to Mouldilocks) “Say, how do you happen to be—pardon the expression—in this neck of the woods?”

 

3^rd Bear (worried): “You weren’t planning any… expansions, were you?”

 

2^nd Bear: “Don’t give him any ideas.”

 

Mouldilocks: “Expansions? No—I just came out here for the solitude. And peace. And to count my money.”

 

2^nd Bear: “To count his money!” (to Mouldilocks) “Say, don’t you think the solitude and the peace are more important?”

 

Mouldilocks: “Well, they’re important…”

 

3^rd Bear: “Right on!”

 

2^nd Bear (to 3^rd Bear): “Now you’re saying it.”

 

Mouldilocks: “I didn’t say MORE important.”

 

3^rd Bear (flustered): “Oh.”

 

2^nd Bear (continuing): “Tell us—why did you REALLY come here?”

 

Mouldilocks (nervously): “To this spot? Now?”

2^nd Bear: “No—to Yellowstone.”

 

Mouldilocks (brightening): “Well, it’s because of a vision…”

 

3^rd Bear: “A vision!”

 

Mouldilocks: “a dream I had…”

 

3^rd Bear: “He had a dream!”

 

2^nd Bear: “That’s nothing! We all have dreams.”

 

Mouldilocks: “Of a thousand Winnebagos, all parked side by side, and an Olympic size swimming pool, and a peanut pool for the kids, and a satellite dish for improved TV reception, and an icecream parlor, a bookstore, a video game center, a beauty parlor, a barber shop, a ski outfitter, 2 gas stations, a restaurant, a…”

 

3 Bears: “HOLD IT!”

 

Mouldilocks: “a… a… What?”

 

2^nd Bear: “We said hold it.”

 

3^rd Bear: “That’s right.”

 

1^st Bear: “Don’t let him give you any guff.”

 

Mouldilocks: “But my dear sir…”

 

1^st Bear: “You’d better say sir.”

 

3^rd Bear: “Right on!”

 

2^nd Bear: “Catching, isn’t it?”

 

Mouldilocks: “What I mean is, I came out here for the industry…”

 

2^nd Bear: “Industry is right.”

 

Mouldilocks: “and the enjoyment”

 

3^rd Bear: “What a way to enjoy yourself: watching TV.”

 

Mouldilocks: “of the tourist population.”

 

2^nd Bear: “He means he came to make bucks.”

 

3^rd Bear: “I wouldn’t have guessed.”

 

Mouldilocks (finishing): “Anyway, somebody had to do it.”

(long pause) “I do appreciate this place.”

(another pause) “I mean, I love it.”

 

2^nd Bear: “If you love it, why are you destroying it?”

 

1^st Bear: “Yeah, why?”

 

3^rd Bear: “Why?”

 

Mouldilocks: “I really can’t help myself.”

 

3 Bears: “He can’t help himself!”

 

Mouldilocks: “It’s just the job I’m in.”

 

2^nd Bear: “That does it! I’m for eating him right now!”

 

1^st Bear: “Me too!”

 

3^rd Bear: “Yeah!”

 

Mouldilocks: “Wait a minute. Let’s not get hasty.”

 

2^nd Bear: “Who’s hasty? We’re just hungry!”

 

1^st Bear: “Charge!”

(All rush at Mouldilocks, who runs off with Bears in hot pursuit.)

 

 

 

 

ACT III

 

Scene: The restaurant plaza in Grant Village. 2 customers are at a table.

 

(Mouldilocks rushes in)

Mouldilocks: “Help! Help!”

 

1^st Customer (not seeing Mouldilocks at first): “Did you hear something?”

 

2^nd Customer (also not seeing): “I’m not sure.”

 

Mouldilocks: “I’m being attacked!”

 

1^st Customer: “Why, hello there.”

 

2^nd Customer: “Care to join us?”

 

Mouldilocks: “Attacked by bears!” (he falls down)

(3 bears rush on scene.)

 

2^nd Bear: “Let’s eat ‘em now!”

 

1^st Bear: “Where’s the mustard?”

 

3^rd Bear: “Here’s some!” (Grabs jar from a nearby table. One customer faints. The other screams, then flees. General confusion as Mouldilocks tries to escape by crawling under tables. Knocking down of tables, napkins and silverware on floor, salt and pepper shakers scattered.)

 

Mouldilocks: “Boo hoo! Don’t eat me!”

 

2^nd Bear: “He wants sympathy.”

 

Mouldilocks: “My mother wouldn’t approve!”

 

1^st Bear: “Well, would she approve of this?” (Sweeping more glass off a table. It breaks as it hits the tile.)

 

Mouldilocks: “No, not really.”

 

2^nd Bear: “Now that’s sensible.”

 

3^rd Bear: “Can’t say it runs in the family, though.”

 

Mouldilocks: “When I was just a boy…”

 

1^st Bear: “Eat! Eat! Eat!”

 

2^nd Bear: “Hold on—let him finish.”

 

Mouldilocks: “my father used to take me…”

 

3^rd Bear: “Have some mustard.”

 

Mouldilocks: “fishing. What are you doing?”

 

3^rd Bear: “Applying mustard.”

 

1^st Bear: “So you’ll taste better.”

 

Moudilocks (again): “Boo hoo!”

 

1^st Bear: “We’ve been through that before.”

 

2^nd Bear: “Wait a minute—did you say fishing?”

 

Mouldilocks: “Yes. In Yellowstone.”

 

2^nd Bear: “What a coincidence! So did mine.”

 

3^rd Bear: “Mine too.”

 

1^st Bear: “Well, I don’t know…”

 

3^rd Bear (to 1^st Bear)  : “Know what?”

 

1^st Bear: “I still say we should eat him now.”

 

3^rd Bear: “But he said he went fishing!”

 

1^st Bear: “That’s right—play on our sympathies a moment, then sneak off to do his dirty work.”

 

2^nd Bear: “Guys! Guys!”

 

3^rd Bear: “Fellows, to you.”

 

2^nd Bear: “I say we should listen up.”

 

1^st Bear: “And I say we should put him out of his misery.”

 

3^rd Bear: “Put him out of our misery, you mean.”

 

2^nd Bear: “I don’t mean give in. I just mean listen.”

 

3^rd Bear: “What do you mean?”

 

1^st Bear: “Are you crazy?”

 

2^nd Bear: “The way it sounds to me, he’s just ripe for a conversion.”

 

3^rd Bear: “Past ripe!”

 

1^st Bear: “Rotten!”

 

2^nd Bear: “No—I mean it. Listen—did you elect me spokesbear or not?”

 

1^st Bear: “I didn’t.”

 

3^rd Bear: “Nor did I.”

 

2^nd Bear: “But you let me take it on myself.”

 

1^st Bear: “Well…”

 

2^nd Bear: “And do all the work.”

 

3^rd Bear: “Well…”

 

2^nd Bear: “Public speaking isn’t easy.”

 

Mouldilocks: “Listen. Will you make up your minds? Am I going to be eaten or not?”

 

2^nd Bear: “We’re coming to that.” (turning) “Now, if you elected me…”

 

3^rd Bear: “You elected yourself.”

 

1^st Bear: “That’s right!”

 

2^nd Bear: “O.K. So I elected myself. Anyway…”

 

1^st Bear: “And you shouldn’t butt in.”

 

3^rd Bear: “I’m hungry.”

 

2^nd Bear (shrugging his shoulders and turning to Mouldilocks)  : “Well, I tried.”

 

Mouldilocks: “Help! Help! Oh momma, save me!”

 

3^rd Bear: “He has a momma!”

 

2^nd Bear: “Just like you, I’m afraid.”

 

3^rd Bear: “And he went fishing.”

 

2^nd Bear: “Just like we all did. When he was a cub.”

 

1^st Bear: “They call them boys.”

 

2^nd Bear: “Boys—cubs—what difference?”

 

3^rd Bear: “Right! What difference?”

 

2^nd Bear: “You’re being reasonable again.”

 

3^rd Bear: “Well… I don’t know what came over me.”

 

2^nd Bear: “Listen… I’ve got an idea…”

 

1^st and 3^rd Bears: “What is it?”

 

2^nd Bear: “Let’s make him pay some sort of fine…”

 

1^st Bear: “That’s not enough!”

 

2^nd Bear: “a forfeit, you know…”

 

1^st Bear: “Still not enough!”

 

2^nd Bear: “And tear down Grant Village!”

 

Mouldilocks: “Anything! Anything!”

 

3^rd Bear: “What???”

 

1^st Bear: “Don’t trust him—he’s lying.”

 

Mouldilocks (indignant): “No I’m not!”

 

1^st Bear: “He’d sell his own mother.”

 

Mouldilocks: “Eat me now, then. I love my mother.”

 

2^nd Bear (to others)  : “Gentlemen, gentlemen. I think things are swinging in our favor. Just a moment.” (turns to face Mouldilocks) “Do you promise, then, to tear down Grant Village?”

 

Mouldilocks: “Oh, anything!”

 

2^nd Bear: “We want it in writing.”

 

Mouldilocks: “Oh.”

 

2^nd Bear: “And one more thing—you have to pay a forfeit.”

 

Mouldilocks: “I don’t want to pay anything.”

 

2^nd Bear: “It’s that or your life.”

 

Mouldilocks: “I’ll pay! I’ll pay!” (pauses) “What is it?”

 

2^nd Bear: “Fishing Bridge!”

 

1^st Bear: “Capital idea!”

 

3^rd Bear: “Wow!”

 

Mouldilocks: “Don’t be absurd! There already is a Fishing Bridge.”

 

2^nd Bear: “We want you to tear it down.”

 

Mouldilocks: “What??? Tear it down? I never heard of such a thing! Tear down an RV park? It’s impossible. It’s never been done!”

 

1^st Bear: “It’s that or your life.”

 

2^nd Bear: “You do own Fishing Bridge, don’t you?”

 

Mouldilocks: “No, not really. It’s owned by the Park Service.”

 

2^nd Bear: “Then use your influence.”

 

Mouldilocks: “Who, me? Influence? You must have me mistaken for someone else.”

 

2^nd Bear: “I was wrong. Let’s eat him now.”

 

Mouldilocks: “I’ll use it! I’ll use it!”

 

2^nd Bear: “You’ll put it in writing, then?”

 

Mouldilocks: “Anything!”

 

1^st Bear: “Or you’ll be a Lockburger!”

 

3^rd Bear: “Right on!”

 

The End

 

Postlude: The sad story of Fishing Bridge and Grant Village goes on today. When will we give the bears a chance to live their life the way Nature intended?

 

 

Earth First!